ramble ramble ramble ramble. it's late and it's been a long week.
you know, melodrama. (i'm not even on my period.)
~I’m looking better than evar.~
The transition back into school mode is a hard one. I feel like I just want to GET STUFF DONE and take all of the tests and do all my projects and do all of my homework so I feel like I’ve actually accomplished something. It’s like I’ve barely made a dent into this school year (not untrue at all) and there are just hours and hours and hours and hours of work waiting to be finished. (Also not untrue.) To be honest, I like difficult work. I’m not terribly awful at figuring things out, as long as we go over them in class. Like, plugging numbers into equations (this is basically all we’ve done in Physics so far) is kind of...fun…maybe….
However, thanks to this stupid laptop (i.e. my life for the past year and a half) it’s impossible to do anything. I have way too many days where I’m just in front of the computer the whole time and cannot get anything done until eight-thirty or something. It’s an endless cycle of eating until I feel sick (out of boredom and being tired) and then being to full to think and then watching TV and then going on Tumblr and then going on Facebook and then going on Tumblr and then eating more and then feeling god awful and then going on Tumblr and then feeling awful and then feeling tired and then feeling awful and then realizing you have homework and then feeling awful more and eating more and feeling awful more and then getting five hours of sleep.
I’m in desperate need of a shower, but I’m too lazy to take a shower eighty-five percent of the time.
~This is my whole life.~
The worst part is that this is not uncommon. (auuuggghh)
It’s hard to feel useful, like anything you’re doing actually matters—not only to yourself, but to society as a whole. You start doubting stuff—why do your homework when someone else will always do it better than you? Why work hard to keep your grades up when someone else’s will always be higher than yours? Why worry about your future when someone else’s will always be so much better than yours? Why lead a pointless life of endless trying and wishing and hoping when someone else can breeze by everything naturally and seamlessly? It’s not like we get some reward for not *taking the easy way out* some time along the way.
TEENAGE ANGST. Why are we so troubled once we enter adolescence? I think it’s because, we’re not living in a shiny happy soap bubble of obliviousness anymore. We don’t sit, speak, and roll over for lollipops and stickers anymore. We can buy all of the Twinkies and sodas and trash we want with our cute little allowances. The only AWARD award that actually matters the slightest bit is being the best at something, which is like, impossible. We’re all bent out of shape trying to make ourselves somewhat groool, but even more bent out of shape because we’ll never actually be what we want.
We have the free spirits that only puerile KIDS have, but the gritty deeper understandings that adults do, nestled under our skin with dirt and broken glass. We haven’t acknowledged that this whole ‘life’ thing is just going to be over one day, like that mediocre show on Fox that you watch when nothing else is on and you laugh at the jokes in your head, but not out loud. Things still matter. There’s more to discover and more to screw up. We don’t know what’s going to happen—it’s not going to end in a piece of sparkly tutti frutti hard candy and an episode of Curious George. It could be a million different things, which sucks. Everything sucks.
My head’s all cloudy and heavy and my eyes hurt. It’s late, I’m tired, I’m sweaty, and blah.
A few years from now, I’m going to look back at this and think, about how cute all of this complaining was. Hopefully, it’s not too painful (or just ANNOYING) for you to read this. Hopefully you can relate to it or whatever, you know, relating to stuff, yeah.
For when you just want to EXPLODE and be WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET AND NEVER BE ANYTHING EVER AGAIN AND NOT EVEN BE A DUST BUNNY UNDERNEATH SOME KID’S BED BECAUSE AAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH: